I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
