Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
