Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
