a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
