hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
