I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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