Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
