happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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