I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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