oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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