there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
