btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
