Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You're like the curious george of whores
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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