Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
