Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
