I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
All I want is dick and wine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
