all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
