I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Come share oat with me in your robe
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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