I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
