I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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