you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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