Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
