I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
