Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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