If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
