I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
