I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
