Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
