He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
