Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
