this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
