Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you win again, gameday.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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