I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
