Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
