i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
