Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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