Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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