I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
