I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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