Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
