We won't sleep together?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
