i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
