I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
