$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
