yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
