I wanna bring you to show and tell
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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