Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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