How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
