You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
