I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
